in between my heart and my head
by fatedtopretendd
Summary: RM AU, future-verse. How they end up together.


**A/N: Lord, posting RM fic in 2019! This has been sitting in my docs for literally years, so I thought I might as well put it out there, even if there is probably no one checking on them anymore. Anyway, merry chrismukkah and happy new year!**

* * *

_July 2009 - Barcelona_

...

In Barcelona, they meet again. Both on holiday with friends, a chance meeting occurs at a nightclub.

When Ryan sees Marissa, it's tightly-gripped hugs and beaming smiles, a familiar fire simmering underneath. They introduce each other, only stumbling slightly at the word _friend_. A round of shots later, Marissa pulls him closer, whispering if he wants to get out of here to talk alone. He nods in a rush, never being a fan of nightclubs in the first place. When he tells his friends he is leaving, his cheeks burn red at their knowing laughs.

...

They find themselves on the beach and even though, it's a different country, different continent, it doesn't feel all that different from Newport.

He watches Marissa slip out of her heels, feet slipping through the sand as they sit down. He finally allows himself a proper look. She's wearing denim shorts and a flowing white crop top, leaving very little skin unexposed. He reluctantly acknowledges that after all this time, he's still very much attracted to her.

Marissa opens her purse, and brings out a pack of cigarettes. She takes one and tilts the packet to him as an offer.

"Thanks," he says, accepting with a delighted smirk. He watches Marissa light her cigarette and waits impatiently for her next move. She clutches the lighter in her left hand and looks at him. There's a glint in her eye as she leans in carefully, inviting him to light his cigarette with hers. The wind blows lightly and he smells coconut and vanilla. He realises her shampoo hasn't changed.

"It's nice to see you," Marissa tells him when his cigarette is finally lit.

"Maybe you should consider visiting home more often," he teasingly reprimands.

Marissa smiles, not saying anything because she has already given him the explanations before. Expensive flights, internship plans, last-minute holidays with friends. She thinks he understands.

"I'm surprised Seth isn't here," she remarks.

Ryan laughs. "He was invited but he chose Summer over me. Besides, I don't think he really wanted to tag along with my Berkeley friends."

"He must be dying of jealousy," Marissa teases.

"You have no idea."

"They're doing good, right?" Marissa asks next, referring to Seth and Summer. Ryan nods.

"Yeah, they are. Still bickering all the time, but otherwise, yeah."

"And what about you?"

Ryan smiles at the question. He leans backward slightly, taking a drag of his cigarette.

"I'm doing good."

"Seth told me that, and I quote, you're the prodigal architect of our generation."

Ryan laughs again. "You know it's a bad idea to listen to Seth."

"This didn't sound like his usual bullshit."

"He gives too much credit."

"Ever so modest, Atwood."

"Tell me what you've been up to," Ryan asks, changing the topic.

Marissa rests her chin on her shoulder, facing him.

"Surviving Oxford, somehow."

"Look who's being modest now," he teasingly chides. "I think you're developing an accent."

"No, I am not," Marissa insists.

"Yes, you are."

Marissa giggles and then her eyes dim softly. There's a quiet lull, after which she tells him, "I've missed this."

He looks at her seriously. "Come home more often," he says.

...

They talk and they explore the city at night. At 4am, they stand outside the building where Marissa and her friends are renting a flat.

"I can't believe you're leaving today," he complains.

"I know, it sucks," Marissa replies with an apologetic smile. "I'm glad we got to see each other."

"Same here," he agrees. They're silent for a while, simply taking the last of each other in.

"I should go. My flight's at 10am and I still need to pack, and try to get some sleep," she awkwardly mumbles.

"Yeah, yeah, of course," Ryan nods along. He can tell the goodbye is on the tip of her tongue. On an impulse, he grabs on to her wrist, an all too familiar look on his face. He steps forward, waiting for a moment to check whether she might pull away. When she does not, he leans in, cupping her face and kissing her. Her arms wrap around his neck as she kisses back harder.

When they finally pull apart, breathless and dazed, he says, "I guess that's goodbye."

...

_June 2010 - Berkeley_

.

In Berkeley, on his graduation day, she surprises him. He opens his door and she's standing there with a bottle of champagne. She squeals congratulations, hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.

He takes her with him to a graduation party. He introduces her to his friends, properly this time. He watches as she laughs and jokes, the seamless way she seems to fit into his life. But he knows it's fleeting because nothing about their lives has ever been seamless. It doesn't stop him from thinking that if she would have chosen Berkeley, maybe there could have been something.

The night goes on and they only get more flirty. His hand rarely leaves her waist, her eyes always pinned on him. They're breaking all boundaries that would be expected. Seth even pulls him to a corner and tries to warn him. He merely shrugs because at this point what even are the boundaries any more. And he just graduated, and Marissa is here, and he's simply too happy to be worrying. Later, when they go back to his room, amidst a frenzy of kisses, he does not think twice about sleeping with Marissa.

…

"Are you seeing anyone?" he asks lazily. The sun is shining into the room, bouncing against Marissa's hair and making it seem just that bit more golden. She smiles back at him, taking a taunting sip of her coffee.

"No," she replies at length. "Are you?"

He chuckles slightly, leaning in to kiss her as he confirms _no_. He tries to deepen the kiss further, when she stops him.

"Have you met anyone? In the last four years…" Marissa questions lightly.

He observes her closely. "No, not really."

"Really?" Marissa probes, eyebrow quirked.

Ryan runs his hand up her arm, kissing her again. When they are both breathless, he answers, "_Really_."

She wants to stop herself but she's beaming right back at him.

...

"How long are you around?" Ryan asks.

"I have 3 more days till I go to see Kaitlin. And then I promised to spend a few days with my mom, but I might have a day or two spare at the end."

Ryan nods along, "So, I have at least three days with you."

"Probably closer to five," Marissa replies with a smile.

Ryan grins back.

"Perfect."

…

_August 2012 - Rhode Island_

.

In Rhode Island, Seth and Summer get married. Marissa is the maid of honour, Ryan the best man. When the vows are recited, they glance at each other and both remember a time when they thought this was also their future. They share a momentary smile, one that doesn't reach their eyes but a smile nevertheless. It's a nod to simpler times long ago.

Perhaps.

Nothing was ever very simple for them.

He asks her to dance and she happily accepts. They sway, cheek to cheek, the music swelling and heartbeats coming together.

"I'm seeing someone," he reveals as the orchestra quietens.

She isn't surprised. There is no reason to be. They live separate lives, continents apart - it is only natural that he would meet somebody.

"Who is she?"

"A colleague at work. She's, well, it's new."

"You like her?" Marissa asks and she surprises herself with her own sincerity. She has thought about this day before and how she might feel watching him move on. Even though jealousy touches, she finds herself accepting the news.

"Yeah...I guess I do," Ryan admits. Marissa smiles back graciously.

"But," he begins, and then his brows furrow and the sentence is incomplete. She lets it pass, pulling him closer and ignoring the quiet sigh that he lets out.

..

They sit together on a bench outdoors, his coat wrapped around her shoulders. The sun is burning orange and fallen autumn leaves whirl against the wind. Ryan rests his arm on the back of the bench, only millimetres apart from her shoulder.

"I can't believe you are finally back in the US and I'm not here," he states, voice small with unfamiliar longing.

"I'm sure we will be in the same time zone again, some day."

"It's been six years," he points out.

"I think we've done alright," she takes a look at him, explaining, "At not becoming strangers."

He nods, a glimmer of a smile gracing his face.

"I've always hated the idea of that," Marissa continues.

"I'm glad we are here right now, together," he says seriously. He's peering at her, in that way he only ever did. She contemplates what he means by _together_.

...

_February 2014 - Chicago. _

.

In Chicago, their paths align. The first thing she tells him is that she is seeing someone, and it's serious, but she wants to be friends. Definitely friends.

He's a little offended at the assumption that he wants anything more, even though his stomach tightens just slightly when she emphasises, _it's serious_. But he says, of course. He understands.

He has to.

…

Marissa's dating a finance guy. Mark. He's tall, dark-haired, with what Seth would say is an WASP-like air.

"I'm surprised you're with him," he tells Marissa.

She fakes shock, "Why?"

"He's not your type," Ryan replies flippantly.

"What's my type?" Marissa responds with a laugh.

Ryan gives her a look and then wonders how to respond.

"Is it you?" she teases.

"No," he instantly protests, "Just, I don't know, he's kind of straight-laced."

"Well," Marissa ponders. "I got tired of always choosing the wrong guys."

He knows it's a cursory comment but it dwells on him more than it should.

"Not you," Marissa assures. "Just, you _know_ what I mean. Mark, he's good for me."

Ryan remembers Volchok, and Luke from a lifetime ago when he didn't seem so harmless.

He decides Mark is okay.

..

Ryan learns Lindsay's still living in Chicago. She lectures at the University. When they meet again, he feels a familiar fondness. He is due to have dinner with Marissa and Mark later that night; he asks her if she wants to join.

..

Marissa tries to hide her surprise at Lindsay's presence.

She wonders if he asked her there to make her jealous.

She says little, trying to abate the passive aggressiveness from seeping into her voice. Yet, her hand rests on Mark's longer than usual. A kiss pressed against his cheek in between courses when it normally never would.

Ryan wonders if she is trying to make him jealous.

When they pay the bill and prepare to leave, Ryan places his hand on Lindsay's back and makes a pointed invitation to share a taxi.

It's harmless really, but a parting look with Marissa confirms neither sees it that way.

..

"Tonight was interesting," Lindsay comments as he walks her up to her door.

"Interesting how?" Ryan returns.

"Marissa didn't seem too happy about me," she points out.

"That's not true," Ryan says. "She doesn't care."

Lindsay gives him a questioning frown.

"Not that she doesn't care about you, just I don't think she cares about _us_."

"Us?"

"Not _us_, but if there was an us she shouldn't care."

There's a momentary pause and a look passes between.

"I don't know if an _us_ would be such a good idea," Lindsay says as a matter-of-fact.

Ryan frowns and then sighs. Rejected before he could even ask.

"Friends would be nice," Ryan suggests.

Lindsay nods. "I agree. Besides, we are kind of family."

Ryan cringes slightly at the reminder.

..

"Are you dating her again?" Marissa asks over coffee.

Ryan's lips curl to a gleeful smile. A small victory in having her jealousy confirmed.

"No," he answers. "Surprised?"

Marissa gives him a look, and nods.

Now, she's wondering if they slept together.

Ryan leans in closer, hands wrapping around his cup of coffee.

"Would you care if I did?"

"No," Marissa says quickly. Too quickly. "You can date anyone you like."

Ryan nods back, unconvinced but playing along.

She observes him again. Speaking more softly, she asks, "What happened with the girl you were with? The one you told me about at Seth and Summer's wedding."

He seems surprised at the question.

"We, um, it was good, for a long while actually, but, I don't know. It didn't work out."

"Why?" Marissa presses.

"You sound like her," Ryan says.

Marissa shrugs, "It's important to reflect."

Ryan deliberates, "Have you ever been with someone and _it's good_, there's nothing that's really wrong, but there's just something? There was something missing, but I don't know what."

Marissa ponders his words.

"It was always the opposite with us," she says softly. "It felt right but it was never easy."

Ryan's surprised to hear her speak frankly about their relationship. They rarely do.

His gaze reaches her and he returns her smile.

"Not _never_," he points out. "We had our moments, more than we sometimes remember."

..

Months pass and Ryan becomes a part of the fabric of her life.

In July of that year, Trey passes away. Killed by a cocaine overdose. It's a shock but then Ryan pauses to reflect and he wonders why it even should be. Trey, he's always been incapable of breaking habits. Of being better.

.

Ryan returns to California to plan the funeral.

Marissa insists on joining him on the day of the funeral.

It's a terse and morose ceremony. Dawn is there, sobbing while her son grimaces and holds her. His face is blank, his mind forced to relive old wounds.

He wishes the ceremony would be over sooner.

.

He finds Marissa in her hotel room later. She flies out from LAX the next day, him a few days later.

"You didn't have to come, you know," Ryan insists, even as his eyes convey gratitude for her presence.

"I wanted to," Marissa says. "Not for him, but for you."

Ryan gives her a sad smile. "_Thank you_," he says, voice sombre and heavy.

She nods, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze.

"How are you doing?" she checks.

His eyes grow contemplative.

"I've been thinking about our senior year a lot," he tells her.

He watches her expression change into worry and apprehension. His voice is thick, afraid yet compelled to continue.

"We never really recovered from that summer, did we?" he asks as old heartaches haunt his mind.

"That's in the past," Marissa deflects.

"Marissa," he says and she wonders how he does that. He simply says her name and conveys so much. A plea to engage. A request for honesty. An apology for mistakes made years ago.

Marissa removes her hand from his shoulder, looking him in the eye. She shakes her head reluctantly, lips pursing into a quiet _no_.

"But, we were kids then." she reminds him.

"I hate him for that. What he did to you, _to us_ \- I hate him."

"Ryan," Marissa begins, reaching for his hand. "That summer, that whole year was really hard and so much of that was because of Trey, you're right. But we also moved on from it, we did recover eventually and we're still here, in each other's lives."

..

When he is back in Chicago, she tells him it's over with Mark.

She tells him they had been growing apart for a while.

It was getting harder to delay the inevitable.

_What now?_ he asks.

She takes a breath and asks him if he is free on Friday night.

Does he want to have dinner?

Ryan smiles.

_Yes. It's a date_.

..

"What took us so long?" he whispers when they're lying in bed together, her head resting on his chest, their fingers intertwined.

"Life," Marissa mumbles lazily. "Our awful timing and bad luck."

"I want it to be different this time," he says seriously.

She looks at him, squeezing his hand tighter.

"Me too," she affirms. She inches her face forward, their lips connecting in a kiss.

She gives him a smile after, telling him confidently, "We are going to make it."

...

_July 2019 - Paris._

In Paris, he asks her to marry him.

She says yes.

…

fin.


End file.
